Essays

Green

I’m 10 or 11 now, and it is late summer; the bleached grass is as tall as I am. We are crawling around on the hard clay on our hands and knees, invisible to each other, trying to find each other while trying not to be found. If we discover someone, we are supposed to tackle them and shout to the others. But if someone catches me, Jack says, they have to “grab my boobs,” which are just beginning to develop. I’m not sure why I play along.

The Feminine Power at the Heart of the Book of Enoch

The word Watcher is translated from an Aramaic word, ‘iyr, meaning “watchful” or “awake.” In Greek they are egrḗgoroi, meaning “those who are awake,” “watchers” or “guards.” In Heaven, each Watcher specialized in a different area of expertise. When they came to Earth, they taught their wives, and others in the settlements, what they knew. A significant portion of this knowledge was specifically empowering to women. And God had forbidden them from sharing any of it with humans.

As safety returns, get ready for a flood of feelings

“As we build a new sense of safety, it’s almost certain that we’ll fall apart more times than we can imagine,” mental-health coach Sam Dylan Finch wrote on Instagram. “If you’re breaking down, that doesn’t mean you’re doing recovery ‘wrong.’ In fact, we often break down only when we finally feel safe enough to do so.”

Calling This the Apocalypse Is Taking the Easy Way Out

I’ve often wondered if we haven’t done more to prevent or correct climate change because letting the planet fall apart is easier. It’s less work than changing our industries, our economies, our habits. We see apocalyptic stories and think, “That doesn’t look so bad. There are some survivors, and they get to be resilient and heroic. Surely that would be me.”

I was bullied for developing early. How can I protect my daughter?

I haven’t felt ready for so many of her milestones. When she started losing teeth, it felt like my round little dumpling of a baby was gone. Every time I think I’m finally getting the hang of who she is, she transforms again. And this time feels worse, because it’s the first step onto a path — of physical changes, of confusion, of peer pressure and cultural expectations — that I’m not sure how to prepare her for.

I Shouldn’t Have to Create My Own Trauma-Informed Healthcare. But Here’s How I Did It.

As my partner held my hand, the technician talked me through the scan, showing me my uterus, ovaries, and bladder on a wall-mounted screen. The pressure of the probe made my pelvis feel bruised, and my thighs kept tensing like I was ready to run. But I made it through the scan and was only a little shaky afterward. The technician even checked in with me to make sure she had done OK.

 Birth Meridian

While I was pregnant, I had certain ideas of what birth and motherhood were going to be like—and McCarthy's books seemed like a complete escape from those ideas. But during labor, and in the weeks that followed birth, it seemed his books had done as much to ready me as anything else had. 

Why I Talk to Jim

It’s 30 years later, and the shadows haven’t left me. I see Jim Morrison now for what he was: a flawed, damaged, charismatic guy who flamed out far too early. Inside me, still, is the teenage girl who sought refuge in his darkness, a thick cloak of turmoil that masked my own. 

How Some Local Nightclubs Fail Their Disabled Patrons

What do you do when you don't have 20-year-old knees, but you still go to metal shows? Some Bay Area clubs help patrons with invisible disabilities keep rocking, but others do not.